I appear fine to you. Maybe a little weird, or a little bit off, but still I can speak, and walk, and do things with my hands. That’s the problem. My lie to convince you that I am like you, and need to be considered just as you are, is the biggest problem with myself - I need to be honest when I tell people how I am. I am not fine. I am not okay. I am not normal and I am not healthy, physically or mentally, and I hate myself for being unable to say that. I hate myself so utterly for being weak I try to gloss over it, make stupid jokes, smile and nod, but I don’t have the energy to keep lying. I do love and respect each of you, and I am sorry my actions don’t often convey that.
I’m in a world I don’t understand. I can’t understand. Even now, I am using your language to try to say this but I don’t know how to convey my sense of desperation and pleading. Please, ignore me.